someone threw a dead crab at me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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