I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
