As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I want to fling myself into the sun
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