you guys were way drunker than both of me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
