I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
