I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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