i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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