so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize