If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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