i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
