I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
