I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
