you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
