I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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