I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
