Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
