you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I need to stop coming to work sober
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
