I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
