So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
