we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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