last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
