there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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