i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
