I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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