I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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