Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
