I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
