yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
