Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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