I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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