Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
