I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
