my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
