Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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