You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
