Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
