I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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