my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
