There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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