Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
