Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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