why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
me + whiskey = a bad person
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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