Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
