I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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