:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I enjoy the company of your penis
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
