Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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