Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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