omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize