I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
