Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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