And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
