god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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