Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
