I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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