Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
