There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
