I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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