Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
